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Sign in the restroom, above the urinal: We know you're in the rush But please, don't forget to flush. This inspired me to a new verse: Feel the bliss, As you piss. In that peace, Flush it, please. Sign on the delivery truck: "Ham that tastes liek ham used to taste". So, they are implying that there's some other ham, that does not taste like ham ? What else could ham possibly taste like ? We are working on Saturday. I come in and see that most cubes are empty. I tell coworker: "I thought everybody would be here today" He answers: "No, only the best" I saw an ad on the wall of office building the other day: Jeff Kaplan Accidents Work injuries Wrongful death He must be an awful man to perform all these deeds. Ad at the dealership: "We won't be beat!". It would be fun to add: "Oh, yes, you will. I'm gonna kick your ass!" Words on the back of the bus: "Funded by Nadah". The last word sounds mystical, sort of like "Funded by Allakh". Sign on the burger joint: "Cheese Double Cheese". Must be a variation of "Home Sweet Home". Writing on the TV dinner box: SERVING SUGGESTION KEEP FROZEN It's so bad they don't even think you should unfreeze and eat it. Here's the most repetitive ad I've ever seen: Talk With Your Kids About Violence. For 10 tips about talking with your kids about tough issues such as violence, visit the Talking With Kids About Tough Issues site. Talk with your kids... before everyone else does. Sign on the soda machine: "This vending machine will not dispense free product". This doesn't sound right - maybe they should fix it or something. In supermarket, a box of Garlic Toast says "6 Texas size slices". Now, that's impressive - a slice size of Texas! A sign on the billboard asks "Having trouble conceiving?". There's a picture of the baby next to it. I thought, picturing a process of conception would be more appropriate :) Today I saw a commercial truck with company name "GrayBar". I thought it would be fun to cover first 'r' with white tape. Talking about roads. Coworker: "They should fix the potholes". Me: "Bungholes". Restaurants often say something like "Ham sanwdich with tons of lettuce and tomato". Can you actually imagine a sandwich which has several tons of lettuce in it ? Scary thought. From the bulletin board post: "Why isn't my english in my site well, do me an example? i wait your answer." TWA ad: "Book online and end up miles ahead!". The thing is, I want to arrive exactly at my destination, not 30 miles ahead of it, in the middle of some corn field. Motto of ABC TV station: "Don't just sit there. OK, just sit there". Perplexing sign on the restaurant wall: "$1.99 CHICKEN if you buy the whole chicken". Sign on the door of some contractor's truck: "Big Boy's Steel Erection". Writing on the t-shirt: "Help! I'm on the phone and I can't shut up!" Born to be boring. "Using a condom is like taking a shower in a raincoat". Company name on a trash container: "Superior Waste". Alternative names for it could be "Total Waste" or "What a Waste!" Item for sale at Egghead: "Brother Labeling System" Few bulbs burned out in a pet shop sign, resulting in curious title: "PETCO: lies and fish". Banner in MailExcite - with the corner of my eye I thought I saw "Kill Everyone!". "That's pretty radical", thought I, and looked close - it said "Kids | Everyone!". Just saw an ad banner on geocities which says "Find new friends at GAY.NET!". Talk about PG-13! :) Possible sales pitch for an electric screwdriver: "It makes screwing fun!" (From the movie "Bean"):
"You didn't tell me that you will bring your friend from planet Zog!"
*Mr. Bean looks behind himself* Coworker is talking about 'yes/no' answers in the questionnaire (note that 'NOs' sounds like 'nose'): "I have the NOs falling down". Breakfast anf lunch together are called 'brunch'. So, dinner and supper together would be 'dupper'. Or even better - 'sinner'. Weird headline: "Teen killer found guilty again" That is, they let him go after he was found guilty first time ? 2 co-workers are talking about 'sex' field in the questionnaire: "We need sex, though..." "We can do sex!" Categories in Yellow Pages: Boring contractors - No comment Camp fire girl supplies - This could be for gourmet man-eaters, who like to roast young girls over slow fire. Castings - Die - No, Mr. Castings, I expect you to die! Dumbwaiters - As if Boring contractors weren't enough, now we also have to deal with Dumb waiters! An unsolved crime took place in our building. Here's the quote from police report: "Suspect approached victim, grabbed her buttocks. Victim screamed and suspect fled the area". I think the guy just mistaken her for his wife, or something :) News headline: "Clinton to unveil global crime plan". One more headline: Living Frank Sinatra dead at 82 Reading classified ads, here are some examples I found:
Sometime ago I was surprised by a sign that said: "Dirt Wanted - call 466-0922". Today I was even more puzzled, when I saw following poster: "Clean Dirt Wanted". Next thing you know they'll be asking for hot ice cream and dry water. Saw company name on some site: Adolf Kiefer & Associates It would sound more fun like this: "Adolf Hitler & Associates" :) If the one who paints is painter, then the one who draws is... drawer ? Review of a new watch in MAXIM magazine: "Time is meaningless unless you also know the temperature, the barometric pressure, the altitude, and which direction you are facing. That's why Casio developed the Pathfinder PRT40K. With this information at your fingertips, prepare to be amazed at how annoying you become... and how quickly people stop asking you what time it is". Item in computer catalog: Visual Basic 5 Inter Course CD From 3COM website: Special Offer: Enroll in the new Killer Class and receive a free book! How can you be so case insensitive ? Ad on a website: Bring you the easiest way to buy or lease a NEW vehicle at a low, competitive price - FREE!! Wow, that IS a competitive price! "Useful" message on some website: File Not Found:The file you requested is not found on this server.This message brought to you by The Illuminati, Fnord. In moped owner's handbook, changing "flame" to "female" results in a curious requirement: "When fueling, make sure there is no naked female near by". Eliminating one 'f' from well-known bumper sticker makes it more confusing: "D.A.R.E to keep kids of drugs". From voice menu: 'In order to better serve you, please make one of the following choices'. So, I make a choice to better serve myself. Makes sense. As I look across the street, unusual sign draws my attention: "STEALING OPTICAL". I came closer and realized that word is actually "STERLING". Classified ad: "For sale: duel cassette". Banner ad says: "Free email for life!" Give your life - get free email. Fair trade. Road sign: "Sidewalk is closed. Use sidewalk". This is almost like "King is dead - long live the King!". Subject of Usenet post: "To Kill a Mockingbird - project". Prompt on my Unix account is "shell>". Sometimes when window is not maximized, it's not fully visible, so it becomes "hell>". From Usenet: "> Another anti-business nut trying to ruin American Capitalism. Why do I want American Capitalism here in Scotland? Please use both brain cells when composing a follow-up." Error message: "Unless you've mastered time travel, your date is set incorrectly. Please fix this and restart the program". Web banner: "HP Printers. Click here.". So, when printer comes alive and starts surfing the web on its own, it will have a place to go. I love the sign "Drug-free school zone". As if drugs are welcome everywhere, except within that area. One guy posted in a newsgroup: "you twit im not illiterit as you think you are". Friendly greeting from one of the web sites: Thursday July 10, 1997 Your WiseWire Home Welcome, daugava. Log out. I use webspace provider called Simplenet. How about a new expression: instead of "I lead a simple life", say "I use a simple net". While riding on the highway, with the corner of my eye saw the word "Satan" on the billboard. Thinking, what kind of ad satanists could have posted, I turn my head and read what it says: "Trust the Saturn". RAGE Software registration button says: "Better living thru RAGE!" :) Program description: "A simple tray-based e-mail notification program for those who don't need a bunch of complex, useless features. Version 1.0 supports only one POP3 account. Version 2.0 coming soon with many new complex, useless features." * * * RealAudio has pretty good slogan on their download icon: "Get Real!" * * * I just uninstalled a program and this was final message: "Uninstall complete. Thank you for choosing our program!". * * * In 4DOS , batch file have extension BTM. So, if BTM means 'batch files', then HTM are 'hatch files'. * * * Ad: "Following courses available: SPANISH COMPUTER" * * * Testing new program Smart Disk Agent. Wonder why nobody calls their utility "Stupid Disk Agent". * * * The country name was misspelled on some page: Untied States. * * * Writing on a fork says: "Stainless China". * * * From Usenet post: "it will ask you this stupid question when you load windows again, saying your shell has changed and "your compaq software will work with your new shell, but your shell will not work with the compaq software". WHAT the HELL does that mean?" * * * Found a good URL name: http://www.ticalc.org/asm. Remove one slash to make it even better. * * * Ran across a last name "Dumbar". Just like movie title: "Dumb and Dumbar". * * * The standard message "You have mail!" could be changed to "You are male!". Or even better - "You've got female!" * * * From the ad for world atlas: "Buy the USA, get the world free!" * * * Message from my web browser: "Internet Explorer cannot open this site. Operation completed successfully'. * * * At the choir rehersal: - I can't get my pitches! - You want pitches ? I got pitches on my wall! * * * On the parking lot there is a sign: HANDICAPPED PARKING FINE $50.00 * * * Sign in Taco Bell: NO PETS SHIRTS, SHOES REQUIRED * * * From Microsoft Windows CE Q&A: "The first products based on Windows CE will be a new category of mobile companion devices for Windows-based PCs called handheld PCs, or handheld PCs." * * * Waking up is hard to do. * * * There is a local phone number where one can find out correct time. The message is preceeded by funny commercial. This is what I heard today: "Me and Diane were sitting on the bench, talking about *** equity loans. And then she looked at me and said..." "*** time - 8:44" And another one: "With *** equity loans you could be now calling from a vacation in Grand Canyon. Of course, this would then be a wrong time and temperature, though". "*** time - 8:48". And one more: "Dial this number and the information about your bank account will be as close as your phone, which, I assume, at the moment is real close" Also: "Wherever you're calling from, I'll bet there is *** ATM near by. Where are you calling from ? Nepal ? ... almost everywhere there is a ** ATM neary by!" * * * "DOS never says 'EXCELLENT command or filename'" * * * Sign on the shop: "HIRING PART-TIME WALLPAPER" * * * Let nobody but all of us know about it. * * * From Dejanews announcement: "Until we can make this change, the posting service will be out of service." * * * My name is Bond. Savings Bond. * * * Read this carefully: "IBM announced that the IBM Network Station, a device that will bring Web and email access to users for under $700, according to sources." * * * Reading ads:
"We have now proven that we're credible, and that gives us a lot of credibility" * * * Yuri was writing list of things to do. It started like this: "Tasks in the order of impotence". * * * Reading "Windows Tips and Tricks". Thought the name would sound better if you swap 'P' with second 'T'. * * * Sign: "All donors receive Pizza and St Louis Bread Company". Boy, it's easy to become a company owner these days! * * * From the manual: "One slight typing error has the potential to hamper the operation of Windows 95's operation." * * * Back in the choir. We have a new member. Choirmeister asks him about the song: - Have you done "In this very room" ? - Done what in this very room ? * * * I am holding on the phone. They must have professional writers writing these 'on hold' messages. Here is what I hear: "At *** every call is important. Please wait just a moment longer and someone will assist you as soon as possible. Beause we give every caller personal one-on-one service, occasionally callers have to wait few moments. Please, stay on the line and we'll give you personal service. Your patience is appreciated. Please stay on the line and we'll assist you in just a moment. Thank you for calling ***. We apologize for delay. Please be assured that we are doing everything possible to make sure that your phone call is handled in timely, professional manner. Your phone call has not been forgotten and your patience is greatly appreciated. Help is just a moment away." * * * At the choir practice. Our conductor explains: - Don't you see dot up there ? Over the notes ? It means that you sing short. 'Love' is short! Me: - It's a one night stand! * * * Later, still at the practice, she says: - Sopranos and altos are singing. Only women! Don't touch man's parts! * * * Truck "Singer Office Interiors" pulled up to our building. I looked at it and imagined that singers really need special office interior - something to inspire them and resonate the sound well. * * * 4DOS is an excellent program - replaces COMMAND.COM and makes command line pure pleasure to use. Once I saw it in the Shareware catalog and looked like the salesman didn't know very well what he was doing, because the description said: 'Replacement for command "COM"'. * * * In Taco Bell, ordered food. A guy gave me change and said "Enjoy your meal". I expected that he'd say "Have a nice day", so I automatically answered "You too". * * * I passed a store called "Allen Transmission". Change just one letter and you get "Alien Transmission" - center for establishing contacts with UFOs. * * * There is an album called "Soul Provider". It may be time for a remake, called "Internet Provider". * * * Mild mannered reporter Clark Kent, disguised as a Superman, fights a neverending battle to increase the sales of Daily Telegraph. * * * Two workers are installing furniture in our office. One says: - We are missing a screw. Second: - There is no nut, see ? * * * My roommate complains: - I was drying my clothes and they are still wet. What did I dry them for ? Me: - Yeah, what's the use of drying ? * * * Lecturer: "We are having to deal with denial. And no, 'denial' is not a river in Egypt". * * * On my table there is Internet Connection Kit. I glanced at it and instead read: World Domination Kit. This is something like "Instructions for Amateur Dictator". * * * "It's the sort of thing you'll like if you like that sort of thing." * * * Yuri is consulting user on the phone: - Do you see C: prompt ? No ? Hmm.... Ah! Turn on the computer! * * * Another sign (this one I made up): "Supermen at work". * * * Deep conversation: - I've found a cool site! I am downloading a Network Monitor right now. - And what does it monitor ? - Network. * * * From "Star Wars - Heir to the Empire" - Wait, there is something wrong! - Leia said. - Right, we are getting shot at, - Wedge put in. * * * "Too many hormones, not enough hismones." * * * I talked to younger generation about Star Wars. There were Jedi Master Yoda and Master C'baoth and eventually even Master Skywalker. The only one missing was Jedi Master Bator. * * * On IRC - talking to one guy about his friend's girlfriend: - Do you like his GF ? - Not as much as he does. * * * We all live in a yellow subroutine. * * * Unknown writer about just as unknown woman: Beautiful from far, far from beautiful. * * * True story. Woman says to a little girl: - My, you look just like your daddy! - No, I don't! I don't have a bald spot on top of my head! * * * From the book "Dark Force Rising" (sequel to the "Star Wars" movie, I really recommend it): - You are not afraid of heights, are you ? - It's falling from them that worries me. * * * Sign in the airport: "Comments regarding weapons, bombs and hijacking are taken seriously. Please, no jokes" * * * Cop asks suspect questions: - What is your DOB ? - What's DOB, man ? - Your birthday. - Oh, that. September 5th. - What year ? - Every year, man! * * * "Nice night for an evening, isn't it ?" |