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Life of Programmer (Computer Humor)
27 Aug 2006
Lockergnome site has a creative 404 message:"We're just a little confused right now and can't find your file."
Microsoft Money displays a curious dialog when you uninstall it:
9 Jan 2004
When I was experimenting with fork() for the first time, Imanaged to (mistakenly) write a program that spawns a child
and then dies. After that child will spawn grandchild and
die, etc.
I ended up with an infinite process with constantly changing
PID. I couldn't kill it, because by the time I entered
'kill -9', the PID I specified would be already
non-existent.
So, I wrote 'hunter' program that would track down that
infinite process and kill it. No luck again - it was
spawning too fast, 'hunter' couldn't get it.
Then I gave up. I hopelessly looked up at my directory, saw
'a.out' file in there, thought 'why would I need it now?'
and deleted it. Tada! Infinite process has stopped - it
was reading a.out every time fork() was executed!
Found this tidbit in my old notes, back from the DOS days:
One of my users complained that she is trying to save
some data in file, but instead it gets printed on the screen. I was
puzzled for a while and finally, when I almost gave up, I asked:
'How did you name the file ?'
'CON'
25 Nov 2003
Just got this error from Yahoo:Doh!
There was a small problem with our system.
This almost never happens, so please try your search again.
17 Nov 2003
Spelling gems from forum posts:- Where take traffic on dating ?
Not who does not know what help?
Thanks you
- Shut up I am not illitirit!
9 Nov 2003
The ad for new AMD processor shows a guy sittingnext to a flat screen PC, and a message says
"My adrenaline dose isn't what it used to be.
Double the dose".
The fun thing is that if you look closer at his
screen, it's a console window, filled with messages:
"... is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file."
So, we are led to believe that even though this guy
doesn't know how to use the command prompt, his
console blues will go away once he gets a faster CPU?
7 Nov 2003
People use all kind of tricks to prevent spammers fromharvesting their emails. Very common one seems to be adding
a junk string to an email address and leaving instructions
which human can understand, but robot cannot. This makes
for some curious reading though, for example:
abcTRASH@aol.com: Take out the TRASH to respond.
It sounds like somebody's nagging you to do your chores:
"Hey, take our the trash, then you can play with the
computer!".
29 Oct 2003
From a website, a guy is giving somebody hard time abouttheir lack of writing skills, so he writes:
Complete with bad grammer, misused words, and courier font.
Personally, If I didn't know how to spell "grammar",
I'd refrain from criticizing other people's writing.
24 Oct 2003
At work we have a mysterious folder on the shelf,titled "User Safari". The way I imagine it is
that once a month network admins arm themselves
to the teeth and ride around the building in a Jeep,
hunting users.
23 Oct 2003
While at MSDN site, a popup dialog appears:"May we send you a survey? Enter email:"
I reply: "Nope".
"Enter valid email address:"
"Leave me alone!"
"Enter valid email address:"
noway@spammers.com
"Thank you"
22 Oct 2003
Found in my old notes, from DOS days:"Today, one user called me to say that
her program is stuck. I told her to try
Ctrl-Break. She calls back in a few minutes
and says: "It didn't help, so I pressed Reset".
Me: "You do realize that you lost the unsaved
data in your programs by doing this?"
Her: (astonished/indignant) "What?!?""
18 Jul 2003
Curious message from Norton WinDoctor:"A directory was moved to a new drive, causing
drive G to appear as drive G."
22 Feb 2001
From the cover of Smart Computing:Here are some of things we've learned about:
Setting up new systems
..
Getting printers to print
Wow! For all these years I was using my printer as a
fish tank, never knowing that it could actually print!
What a discovery, thanks to Smart Computing!
27 Nov 2000
Got a mystical message from my Outlook calendar today:"Appointment occurs in the past".
Now, where did I leave my Time Machine ?
14 Nov 2000
"Get paid to surf" site claims: "The easiest way to getrich! ... Earn $50 per month!"
Let's see know. Suppose, 50.000 dollars is "rich". To
get there we need to surf for 1000 months... just a little
over 83 years. Great deal!
31 Jul 2000
From an article: "the information highway, and the Internet".Oh, no! I must have missed something! There must be some secret
information highway somewhere outside the Internet - and nobody
knows where it is!
30 Jun 2000
Glanced at the screen and saw interesting phrase: "depressed Netscape users".After closed examination, I saw that it actually says
"(click with shift key depressed for Netscape users)"
4 Jun 2000
I love Google search engine, but sometimes it's trying to be a smarta**. For example, I enter keyword "jimtools.com", hoping to see sites
that link to this URL. And what does Google tell me ?
"com" is a very common word and was ignored ARGH!!!
26 May 2000
Message on a website: "Why not visit one of our sponsors?".Direct question deserves direct answer: "Because I don't want to".
27 Apr 2000
I unsubscribed from a mailing list andreceived confirmation message, which said "You have been
removed. Thank you for your interest." Shouldn't it say
"Thank you for lack of interest?" :)
14 Apr 2000
There's an banner ad which starts with"Turn your website traffic..." and then pauses. When I see
it, my automatic reaction is to add "... into s**t".
7 Apr 2000
"Premier portal with usage rewardsprogram that pays members points to be used in auctions."
How's that ? I get points when somebody auctions me ?
6 Mar 2000
'Useful' tip from Microsoft site:Use system DSNs, not file DSNs or DSN-less DSNs. That last combination sounds like 'meatless meat'.
22 Feb 2000
Here's an oxymoron:"In keeping with their policy of privacy and "enonymity,"
Enonymous does not ask for your email address. Therefore,
in order to complete the Cybergold reward process, we ask
that you enter your email address/cybergold login
here..." Sounds to me like "I don't want your money, so
give me all your money".
17 Jan 2000
Meaningful error message from Internet Explorer:Variable 'undefined' is undefined.
01/03/00
Message from Outlook Express:"Specified messages could not be deleted - not enough disk space."
08/05/99
Quote from a website:"MagicalDesk provides an important function: the MagicalDesk."
06/24/99
Closing a task, I get the following message:"If you shutdown this program, it will not function
correctly".
Well, what do you know! I thought it would just keep on working!
06/16/99
Just entered a command, accidentally misplacing the space:f:>DEL\ config.old
f:\*.* : Are you sure (Y/N)? ^C Yikes!
05/25/99
On my way to work there's a mailbox with number 404.Everytime I see I want to add something like "Requested
house not found".
Error message from MS Excel:
"user-defined type not defined".
Make up your mind, is it defined or not defined ?
05/17/99
As soon as I came to work, Matthew (my colleague) tells me:"Hey, let me tell you a story about a dumb user."
Interested, I moved closed and accidentally dropped the headphones
that were laying on the table.
He began the story:
"Anyway, that dumb user almost broke my headphones..."
Then I answered:
"I'm gonna tell you a story too - about a dead programmer!"
04/13/99
From Linux review:"Another feature is that it is freeware it can be downloaded
if you have the time and patients."
03/17/99
Calling an online computer shop and getting a helpful messagefrom the phone operator:
"The number you are calling has been changed.
The number is *pause*. Please make a note of it.
The new number is *pause again*."
Then it hung up.
03/08/99
User calls me to say they need to rent a computer:"My client says she wants a laptop with a thinkpad on it".
12/23/98
Somebody wrote in a newsgroup:"i don't know what browser i'm using..what is a browser? i have aol. does
that help any?"
12/08/98
I have read this gem at theSafe Audit site:
Host sites that contain ... pirated/illegal software. We cannot
accept the following types of sites on the Safe-Audit Network but we are
putting up a dedicated network for such sites. Please register your name
here and we will inform you when that has happened.
To me it sounds like "if you broke the law, here's an open cell,
come right in and don't forget to lock the door" :)
12/07/98
The candidate for "The Most Cryptic Error Message":"System error 1202 has occurred. An attempt was made to
remember a device that had previously been remembered."
(from Windows NT).
10/30/98
Got another brochure from the middle ages.Just look at what prices these characters try to charge in the
year 98:
- 9 pin dot matrix printer - $365
- 16 bit SIMM - $100
- 2GB hard drive - $600
- PCI network card - $165
09/30/98
Boss calls me into her cabinet and says: "What's happening ?Is somebody playing a joke on me ? I got a message from
'mail demon'!". So, I had to give her a short crash course on
what 'mailer daemon' is.
07/29/98
I ran across a kamikaze spammer!One day he sent me some junk from his account at iname.com -
I emailed abuse@ and got him nuked.
However, yesterday, he emailed me again - this time from
@usa.net!
Though, this time he lost the webpage too, so he'll
have to work harder before he can annoy people again.
07/27/98
Came up with a new verb - instead of saying "You have to scroll downusing the mouse", say "You have to mouse down".
07/01/98
Call from downstairs.- Andy, our client is trying to use the word processor and computer
eats the words!
- How is that ?
- I don't know - you'll have to come and look!
So, I go down. Two serious-looking users are at the computer.
He is looking from behind her shoulder and she has cursor
in the middle of the sentence and types in overwrite mode!!!
(If I didn't help her, she might have ended up retyping the whole
document :)
06/08/98
From the mail order catalog:"Exchange data between your PC and REX organizer without
booting up".
"Applixware Office Suite for Linux - Windows95 CD".
05/27/98
User is trying to find her way around Internet Explorer.Consultant (C): Use the 'back' button to return to previous site.
User (U): 'Back' button ? Where on the keyboard is it ?
C: No, it's on the browser.
U: I don't see any 'back' button on the browser! We just have
a left and right button.
C: On the web browser ?
U: What's a browser, anyway ?
C: It's the program you use to browse the web - like Internet Explorer.
U: Oh, I thought mouse was the browser!
11/11/97
And here's a fresh story - one user put alittle fan next to her computer. It blew and screen picture
shook - I thought it was funny - like piece of paper in the
wind. But then I turned fan off, I noticed that picture
stabilized!
The fan was causing interference!
10/23/97
One of the computer began acting strangely.I ran Norton Disk Doctor and it found several bad
blocks. After that the attempts to copy something to hard
drive started causing errors like
"Failed on INT 24". The I ran NDD again, so that
it checks and fixes errors. I set it to make 50 passes
and put a sign on the monitor:
"We are working on it, please leave it on!"
An hour later, a guilty-looking user comes and says:
"Promise you won't yell at me".
"Why ?" - asked I, not feeling the danger yet.
"See, I turned the computer off and only then saw your sign".
I went to look at the leftovers and found that my
suspicions were true - hard drive couldn't take
such attitude and refused to boot.
10/10/97
Saw an interesting new term on a modem box:"ERROR COMPRESSION".
09/15/97
Found in the computer downstairs a mass of MS Word viruses.Looks like clients who come with their own documents,
bring along all kinds of creatures.
So, I call users and say: "Your computer is infected, do not use,
I'll be fixing it". After that I prepared antivirus, loaded it -
what the hey ? "Invalid drive specification". Try to connect disk
again thru the network - no luck. I call downstairs - no answer.
Then it dawns on me - users left, turned off the computer and locked
the office!!!
Since telepathic disk access is not yet installed, I had
to move repairs to the next day.
07/03/97
Just encountered a smart alec program -after I clicked 'Agree' button at 'licence agreement' box,
it said "Are you sure that you want to agree after reading
for just 7 seconds ?".
06/09/97
I haven't slept last night, so now I am hacking in half sleepingstate. For some reason main part of my program isn't executing.
I go into editor and am surprised to find in the beginning the
following code:
...
Q=0
IF Q=0 THEN EXIT
...
04/07/97
From CIFS introduction page:"For example, consider a user who wants to access the first page of a 2MB
document. Using FTP, the user must wait for the whole file to download --
which may take several minutes on a slow link."
Taking average speed of 2.5k per second, 2MB file would take
about 13 minutes - I wonder what 'slow link' these guys are talking
about. ISDN ?
03/12/97
A receipt says "BNC Male Terminator". Poor males.02/10/97
Mysterious message I got from MS Word:"You can change 765LAB.DOC from mailing labels to mailing labels
or you can create a new main document".
01/15/97
Trying to buy more licenses for our Novell 4.1 network.Calling Novell. They gave me 3 reseller phones. I called those
with very little success. I called Novell again. They gave me 3
more. I asked:
"Could you give me more than 3 numbers at a time ?"
"No"
"Why?"
"This is how our system works".
"Can I call right back ?"
"I suppose so".
I did call back and got another 3.
When calling resellers, I asked them standard question: "Are you
authorized Novell reseller ?" - in this text it will be
abbreviated as "AYANR?".
So, next call:
"AYANR?"
Operator: "I'll have to transfer you to representative, I'm not sure".
Representative: "I don't know, call tech support".
Tech support: "Yes we are"
"Could you quote me the price ?"
"Let me check my computer" *sound of unfolding paper*
Then I got the quote.
Another call.
"AYANR?"
"Can I put you on line with our CNE ?"
"Alright"
"I need upgrade pricing"
CNE: "I'll need to get your number ?"
"xxx-xxxx, Peters Marketing"
"Theatres Marketing ?"
"Peters Marketing!"
"OK, I'll call you back".
Later:
"10 user upgrade ? There is no such thing"
"Yes there is, I called Novell".
"Oh, well then, I can't buy it from my channels".
8/23/97
Calling IBM. Polite metallic voice explains:"Please listen to the menu before making a selection".
Reading article about Java decompiler.
Somewhere in the middle there is explanation for idiots:
'Decompiler is less useful for big programs, because
it deletes useful information, so called "comments"'.
The same article says in white on black that almost for every
language there is a decompiler. The world haven't seen a lie
like that! Unless author doesn't know the difference between
decompiler and disassembler.
Tuesday 07/16/96
We have sent a new computer to our other office. Yuri have written
detailed installation instructions and even drew a diagram.
Comp was installed successfully and everything went tip-top until
it crashed.
Dialog followed:
- What, doesn't work ? Press Ctrl-Alt-Del.
- Nothing happens.
- Well, press reset.
- No effect.
- What the heck ? Press power!
- Stil nothing.
- What's going around here ?! Pull the plug!
- There, now it is off.
It went on like this for several days until we understood, what
happened. Turned out that they connected the new tower CPU, but
did not move the old desktop one. And when we told them to press
reset, they pressed the buttons of the old, disconnected
computer!
Monday 07/01/96
I am impatiently waiting for version 1.5 of program called CuteFTP.
But everytime I visit his site, it is still 1.4 beta.
Only today I noticed that I have "Final beta 2", and he - "Final
beta 7". This reminds me mornings, when I want to sleep for "just
one more minute". This guy is the same way "Ok, I'll do one more,
the most final beta".
Friday 06/28/96
Windows 95 shaked me to the bottom of my soul with the following
message:
"J: is reserved to \\PAULA\SHARE_C
Do you want to connect J: to \\PAULA\SHARE_C instead ?"
Thursday 06/27/96
Again, consulting on the phone.
- What do you see ?
- Error message.
- What does it say ?
- Says "Press any key".
- Ok. Press any key.
Tuesday 05/21/96
Explaining user on the phone, how to install a program.
We run SETUP from the diskette, get as far as message
'Now reboot your computer'. I tell her:
- Press RESET.
She does.
Few seconds later, in panick:
- It says that my disk is not bootable!!
Me:
- That's because disk is still in disk drive. You should remove
disks when you reboot.
She reboots, runs the program, which complains that there is no
CD in the drive.
I:
- What, did you take CD out ?
She:
- But you told me to take disks out!
- You don't need to take CD out. It can stay in the drive all
the time.
- What do you mean all the time ? What if I want to use a
different disk ?!
Friday 05/17/96
We have special keyboards called CompuPhone - instead of Scroll
Lock it has a "Phone" key, which picks up and hangs up "receiver".
One evening we sit at work and listen to the noise of dot matrix
printer. Finally I ask Yuri: "Is that you printing ?". He says
"No, I thought, you were the one". I go and look at the printer -
it keeps printing the same screen over and over. I go to the
computer lab and see heartbreaking picture - user sits there,
hitting Print Screen and getting mad because "Phone" key isn't
working.
Tuesday 05/07/96
I've read this at the Microsoft site:
"The PowerPoint 32-bit Viewer is a compact (1.8MB) Windows 95 application".
Wednesday 05/01/96
Yesterday Yuri and Doug moved a computer. Today we tried to print
from it - no luck. Windows insists that there is "no paper".
I checked - paper is there. I shrugged my shoulders and went back
to my room - maybe it will fix itself.
Few hours later we are called into the room where printer is. In
there repair guy stands, happy as can be. He is demonstrating to
the user that printer cable was unplugged all this time.
Saturday 04/27/96
Program RASPLUS which installs
TCP/IP connection in Windows95
shows info line - it takes modem type from settings and appends
word 'modem'. As a result, the following message is displayed:
Standard 28800 bps Modem modem. Reminds me of savage name, like Mumbo-Jumbo.
Friday 04/12/96
I downloaded a disk formatting utility. Ran it and she said:
"This disk was formatted already, and
reformatting is a some waste of time
Are you really want to format it ?"
And they say that programmers have no sense of humor!
Monday 04/08/96
Client sends us file - DATA.XLS. "Excel, however" - tell I
to myself and try to load it. Excel doesn't like it: "incorrect
version". I look at the floppy - there is PKUNZIP.EXE together
with DATA.XLS. Turned out that they zipped DATA.XLS into archive
named ... DATA.XLS.
I remember, when in college we shared one PC for 5 hackers, I
would hide my ZIP files by giving them different extensions.
I used to think this was a neat trick. But looks like users
figured that out by themselves.
Monday 03/25/96
A user comes to me and says "I can't access database!".
I check - correct, somebody is already in it.
We check others computers - nothing. Call the other floor - they
don't admit their guilt either. Finally I go look at original
user's terminal and see that she is the one who sits in the
database, just in a different window.
Sunday 03/24/96
Sunday night I was assembling the LAN piece by piece.
Somewhere at midnite I was totally out of it.
There was a moment when my station wouldn't connect, I tried
different IRQs, black magic and ritual dances, but nothing
helped. Then I started looking for a screwdriver and noticed that
network cable is unplugged.
There was also a moment when all stations suddenly stopped seeing
network. I was desperate, decided to take the server down and
back up and then I noticed message 'server is already down'.
Friday 03/15/96
We are on the move. In the old office there remains only one
computer with a printer. This morning I come to work and user
tells me "It doesn't print, as if it is not connected at all!".
She was right - in a hurry we already packed printer cable.
Thursday 03/14/96
Today we started to move into new office. Before dismounting the
LAN I was suggested to make a copy of all network files, just in
case. So, I logged in as SUPERVISOR, loaded
Volkov Commander
(freeware Norton Commander clone), went to the root directory of
network disk, selected all files, pressed F8. My muddled eyeballs
reflected a message "20 directories will be deleted" and I had a
hunch that I am doing something wrong. I started falling off my
chair, but found enough strength to press CANCEL and after that I
breathed in freely.
Friday 03/08/96
Not long ago I phoned a co-worker Joyce in the other room. They
tell me "Hold on, she'll be with you in a moment". While I am on hold,
music plays in the receiver, so I just sit and my soul is resting.
In the meantime Joyce enters, we talk about the problem and she
leaves. When she comes back to her room, she is told that
somebody is waiting for her on the phone. She picks up the
receiver - and there I am. She asks "What, you are still waiting
for me ?".